My breastfeeding journey didn’t go to plan
As my social media feed is filled with beautiful posts this week about the benefits of breastfeeding I can't help but feel a little bit sad.
My breastfeeding journey didn't go to plan with Brodie, looking back it didn't really go to plan with Addison either.
Breastfeeding is not something I look back on and miss.
For me a breastfeed baby meant a screaming baby that wouldn't settle for more than 20 minutes… in my arms.
All day and all night. No matter what. No matter how long I would feed for, no matter what position. No matter what.
I ate ALL the things, I took supplements, saw lactation consultations, I stopped exercising (so pretty much my life!), I even took medication.. Which made me feel terrible and I pumped and I pumped and I pumped.
Even still I couldn't make enough. Chuck in reflux and it was a disaster.
After what felt like every feed being a failure I made the decision to exclusively pump and bottle feed after 12 long awful weeks. I clearly remember looking up at my husband and saying “I can not feed her again.”
I was pumping 1 feed to the next without any reserves for almost 2 months.
Pumping, pumping and more pumping to try and go for as long as I could.
Just before Brodie was 5 months I said no more to the pump and we went to exclusively formula feeding.
I ran myself into the ground, physically, mentally and emotionally to get that far.
The first time I gave Bordie formula, I was devastated I felt like a complete failure. I felt like I was letting her down.
You don't get taught about formula feeding during pregnancy or at antennal classes.
There is no formula feeding week.
Type A personality in my mind it was exclusively breastfeed for a year – any less and I'd be disappointed.
I stuck it out with my first daughter Addison for 10 months.
I put myself through absolute hell to do it.
I was determined to stick it out, (NO one could tell me otherwise) and I did but looking back I am honestly not sure it was worth it.
Addison put on weight so I was encouraged to continue.
Yet she cried and cried and hardly slept.
Never once advised by a medical professional to try a little bit of formula. So as a first time mum I didn't.
I look back and I now know in my heart that she wasn't getting enough from me. Brodie was exactly the same until I went to bottle feeding.
If it wasn't for my Mum, husband and a couple of really good mates who fully supported me through that 10 months I don’t know how I would have got through it.
I was an anxious, sleep deprived mess, I wasn't coping despite the brave face that I put on each day.
The best nutritional choice is breast milk. I know that, I will not debate that, I’ve studied the benefits and I think that made the experience all that little bit harder.
The certificate ‘Nutrition for Lactation’ sits above my desk, yet my knowledge made no difference..
Breast milk is the best, it’s bespoke, there is so much research to support it, breast milk is absolutely amazing.
But babies need their mums to be okay.
I was so not ok.
I wish things could have been different but the difference in my house, my baby and in me when I finally gave up the fight…
Brodie became so happy and so content.
I was like a different person. I was able to spend more time with Addison and Adam could get back to his normal working hours without me flipping out.
Brodie might not have had breastmilk for as long as I would have liked but she will have a diet full of nutritious food and very little processed crap.
Nutrition is forever.
Children consume crap food every single day, where is the judgment when it comes to feeding kids junk?
It’s fine to give your child coke but formula which is designed to have all the nutrients for a baby to thrive... still has this stigma attached to it.
So to the formula feeding mums out there – I see you.
Know that you did not fail if you tried your best.
Ren x